SNEAK PEEK

Introduction

Life has a way of knocking us sideways when we least expect it. Recently, my husband Ben and I were walking through the Florida airport with our daughter Ellen to start our 2 week long vacation. It included a surprise trip to Disney World with my family for Ellen’s 5th birthday and a week on the beach, just the three of us (my happy place). I desperately needed this to refill my empty tank.

My sister flew on the flight with us, and as we exited the plane, she said, “Should we stop at the restroom on our way to the baggage claim?” I said, “Let’s just keep it moving until we get down there and then we can all go”. Fast forward to three minutes later, Ellen tripped with her backpack on while walking to the baggage claim. She caught herself, but as she hit the cold tile floor, she screamed at the top of her lungs. It was a guttural sound that I felt all the way down to my toes.

Ben picked her up and held her. We thought maybe she had bumped her mouth, but she kept screaming, “My elbow!” Ben and I moved her to a nearby chair to assess what was going on. I tried desperately to find a nurse or a doctor that could take a look at her, but no one came. A kind woman who worked at the airport called the EMTs for us and they checked Ellen out. They said, “It just looks swollen, but you might want to take her to the ER.” We rushed her to a nearby emergency center and found out the worst, not only had Ellen broken her arm, but the break was at the growth plate of her elbow, and it would require surgery.

Thank God we had not told her about Disney, so she was none the wiser, but my sweet girl was in an orthopedic surgeon’s office on her 5th birthday and had to have surgery three days later. She couldn’t do the beach things, or the pool things; she couldn’t even be outside because she wasn’t supposed to sweat with her exposed pins. It was truly the worst.

Every critical thought went through my mind as I replayed this traumatic scenario. What if I had been holding her backpack for her? What if she wasn’t wearing new shoes, or hadn’t grown into a size twelve, seemingly overnight? What if I had been holding her hand? What if we had just stopped at the restroom when my sister asked? Would it all have turned out differently? 

Sometimes hard things just happen. That’s life. It’s bittersweet. But when things go sideways, it helps to know yourself, accept yourself and lean in no matter what life hands you. That’s what I’m here to help with. You’re a human and you have limits. You have specific personality traits, gifting and purposes. There are certain parts of life that are going to bring you joy, peace, and connection while others will hand you discomfort, fear, and loneliness.

As women, we are taught from a very young age to disconnect from ourselves emotionally and physically so that we can be there for others. I am all about being there for others, but I live and teach the belief that self abandonment is a dangerous game and a road to nowhere. This book is about learning boundaries so that you can love others and yourself in tandem.

Each of us is carrying something into our time together. Our wounds, our trauma, our beliefs, and our hope. You picked this book up because you want to see growth in your life, and I believe you can do this. I am so passionate about correcting the false narratives that women tell themselves and that others have projected onto them. Part of the reason why is because I have been that girl. and sometimes still fall back into those old patterns. I know what it feels like to be broken down by trauma, people and my own mind.

But I also know where to find freedom. At the end of this, you will have a deeper understanding of who you are and what you need. You will learn to take the hurt, the patterns and the tension that you have been carrying, and use the tools provided to change your life and reclaim yourself. I want to see you flourish and not only live the life you desire, but to feel clarified on who you are and what you believe. It’s time to redefine your expectations for yourself and your relationships, and it all starts at the beginning; with you.

Deep breath...Let’s get it!

Chapter One

I consider myself to be a highly sensitive person, and while it is my superpower, it is also very limiting. A highly sensitive person, also known as HSP, is someone who has a sensitive nervous system and identifies being overstimulated as a way of life. It has taken me years to know and accept what my body and mind need. I have, and sometimes still do, pushed way past my emotional and physical window of tolerance in the effort to please others.

I have stayed quiet when I needed to speak up. I have used substances to dull the overstimulation, so that I could keep doing all the world asked of me. And lack of boundaries led to periods of both depression and anxiety. In high school, I chose my boyfriend over my physical, sexual, and emotional safety. In college and my early 20’s, I drank alcohol as a way to escape, so I could stay present in situations that went way past my boundaries. In essence, I learned to push down my voice, my limitations, my wisdom, so that I could be what everyone wanted and needed from me. It took me a long time to learn to set boundaries. And guess what? Doing so doesn’t make me:

• Selfish

• Unkind

• Less brave

• Not enough

• Too much

• Less feminine

• A bad mother

• An inattentive wife

• An uncaring daughter

• A less than present friend

• An ineffective counselor

• Less trusting in my Christian faith

Knowing my boundaries means I have fought hard to show compassion towards myself. Even on my best day, I am still a human being, and human beings have limits. When we honor our limits, not only are we healthier people, we are also less likely to hurt others through our lack of awareness. We have better communication, healthier bodies, and the freedom to be who we are. When we give ourselves that freedom, we model that freedom to others.